Thursday, 10 October 2013

For Posterity.

This was posted on that goddam green website the other day, and has since been deleted. I do not know the author, but I think it was a well judged attack on my arch rival and erstwhile impersonator, Harry Lorayne.


"Below is a preview I found of the contents of the much-awaited book, "Sensational Close Up Magic". 


Moist Rock 

An ace assembly routine, with a smart-alec presentation, in which the cards become sweaty and bent through over-handling. The effect closes with the entire sticky deck being spread face up to prove to the wise-guys not only that there are no duplicates, but that they should have gone to the movies instead. 

Load Of Wit 

Not a trick, but a method of producing a selected card from your inside jacket pocket. This is done by palming it off the top of the deck, then immediately ducking your hand under the table-top and moving it up inside the jacket, before pulling your hand out and proudly displaying the card's crumpled form - all the while hoping there are at least one or two people in the room who don't consider you to be a total arse. 

The Wings Of A Fly 

A "card flight" concept in which a selected card travels from the deck to your inside jacket pocket. As a kicker, it is found that half the audience has buzzed off to the bar. 

Mr. Knowledgable 

A prediction effect in which a card is placed aside face down. The spectator removes and counts a small number of cards, then sits on them, before remembering the card in the deck that lies at that number. Several jog shuffles, triple cuts and double lifts later, it is found that the prediction card has become the selected card and the sat-upon cards have become warm and damp. 

Breathlessly Awaiting 

A butt-numbingly tedious procedure using a down-under deal for finding an indicator card that leads to another card whose name is then spelled to locate the selected card in the deck, followed by an utterly pointless and meaningless revelation of the four aces. 

Go To The Source 

This trick is worth what the price of the entire volume should be. A card is forced behind your back, then returned to the deck, which you proceed to mix face-up and face-down. Following some protracted and confusing by-play which leaves everyone absolutely bewildered, you shout out the name of the selected card before taking a minute to triumphantly re-arrange the deck by hand. 

Oh So Obvious! 

A quickie in which the spectator cuts the cards into four piles and the performer makes out that the top card of each is an ace. A trick that has been performed worldwide by hundreds of millions since it was popularised in 1962, fooling many of the world's finest retards along the way. 

Up Yours, You Idiot 

By means of a b-a-s-t-a-r-d-ised bottom card slip cut, a selected card vanishes from between the two single-titted queens, and appears face up in the deck via a totally unjustified Braue reversal, sandwiched between the two big-willied kings. 

You're Wrong! 

A sucker trick involving four consecutive reverse faros, three smug looks, two undercuts and one enormous anti-climax. 

Ripped Off 

Something just a little different. From a borrowed deck, a selected card is torn in two, after which it is found that only 51 usable cards remain. As a kicker, the performer bills the client an unsuitably large and grossly offensive fee, plus first-class travel expenses. 

Just My Opinion 

A do-as-I-say-but-not-as-I-do effect in two phases. Phase 1: you create the illusion that you know everything there is to know about card magic. Phase 2: you show some videos of yourself that prove how large an illusion it actually was. 

Out Of His Mind 

Renowned world-wide as an improvement on the best card trick ever invented, this routine consists of a spectator shuffling the cards for 26 minutes then dealing them into two piles of 26 cards. Incredibly, it is then revealed that the number of black cards in the first pile is equal to the number of red cards in the second pile. As a kicker, the remaining cards in the first pile are shown to be all red and the remaining cards in the second pile to be all back. This is as close as you can get to a miracle with cards without at any time needing to think about what you're actually doing or what purpose it could possibly serve. 


Look out for volume II in the series: "Tricks With A Twist"."


Tuesday, 8 October 2013

How I trained the fucking SAS.


Don't turn around, I mean don't move a muscle, because what I'm about to tell you is top secret. TOP SECRET.

(I trained the Special Air Service.)

Yeah. They got trained by ME.

They learned MY memory techniques.

They learned MY card tricks.

And, most importantly, I have personally met and remembered the names of sixty seven million people.